


and Share Alike

by aishahiwatari



Series: McKirk shorts [9]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Feelings, First Kiss, Getting Together, M/M, Pining, Requited Unrequited Love, Sharing a Bed, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 18:01:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19256335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishahiwatari/pseuds/aishahiwatari
Summary: It's cold and raining and someone offers them a room for the night.Sharing a bed is nothing like sharing a room back at the Academy.





	and Share Alike

Leonard is so fucked.

Not literally. If only it were literally.

He stands in the doorway to the bathroom -thank fuck this planet has invented something resembling modern plumbing, even if the seat is somewhat lower that he's used to- for a moment longer, unable to make himself move. And then for another moment.

Okay, he's staring. Not savouring, because that would be creepy and risks tormenting him with something so close to what he wants so desperately but can't have. And why would he risk doing something like that.

Except Jim is sprawled across more than half the bed -his bed, or their bed, Leonard hardly dares think- and he's shirtless and gorgeous, so utterly unashamed. All sighs that he's comfortable, that he trusts, and Leonard should not be betraying that trust by taking in the way the shadows sculpt his features in the moonlight, bring out the angles that Leonard never truly allows himself to see.

Because Jim is not just gorgeous, he's beautiful, inside and out, and Leonard has so much love for him that sometimes he feels like he might burst with a scream or a sob or a terrible, revealing few words. He nearly did all three when Jim died, Leonard running on too little sleep and too much adrenaline, and he's talked himself back from the edge so many times since then.

Never like this. Never with Jim sleeping, never in the light of an actual planet, a real world instead of the strange fiction that occurs up there. Never with Jim in his bed.

They're lucky to be in a bed at all, he knows, which was why he couldn't argue any more strongly against their situation. It's cold outside and pouring with rain, and the farmhouse they were so kindly invited into has only one guest room. Their continued presence is the best way to placate the locals in the hopes they might share some information about some strange phenomena on their planet, and so they can't beam back to the Enterprise until they're done.

So it's for the best that they share a bed. The two of them shared a room at the Academy for years, all the command crew know that. Leonard suspects some of them believe there's more between he and Jim that there really is, something beyond an all-encompassing, co-dependent friendship that withstands everything the two of them have been through.

And Leonard's hopeless, irrepressible, unrequited feelings, obviously.

They're what makes him take a step towards the bed, his body drawn like a magnet towards Jim's, everything he has urging him to touch, to make contact. Instead he takes a deep shuddering breath and lets it out before slipping beneath his side of the scratchy, clean-smelling sheets. It's too warm to need them, really, but with his arms beneath them there's a barrier between his palms and the expanse of Jim's chest. It's for the best.

He lays for a while, eyes open, hardly daring to move for fear of waking Jim to that sensation of being watched. He's not entirely comfortable, can't spread out with Jim's body so close, can't think of a possible train of thought that could distract him from the closeness and warmth of his best friend, the one person in the whole universe he'd do anything for.

Except even he forgets, sometimes, how Jim had lived for so long.

The soft, murmured, "Y'okay?" makes him squeeze his eyes shut for a moment, clench his jaw against all that wants to escape.

"I'm alright, Jim. Go back to sleep."

That's the wrong answer. Jim's eyes open blearily to look at him, and Leonard arches a brow in return but it does nothing to deter what's coming.

"'M I keeping you awake? 'M not used to sharing."

Leonard snorts. "Me neither."

Jim gives him a small smile, but he shifts over to give Leonard some more space, too. It's the last thing he wants, but it does let him spread out a little more. He lays on his side, meeting Jim's eyes. It's so much easier to remember he'd looking at his best friend when he can see those eyes, when he can imagine with startling clarity just how quickly they would dull if Leonard betrayed the trust held in him.

Usually, it's easier. Now, Jim is tired and sleepy and unguarded, and there's so much unfiltered affection in those eyes that Leonard's heart aches. He can't resist the urge to touch, shoves the blankets down to reach out and take one of Jim's hands in his, threading their fingers together. They've always been affectionate; it comes so naturally to both of them. Jim squeezes Leonard's fingers and his eyes flutter closed as he relaxes, finally.

Leonard feels terrible for not noticing how he was holding himself before, how Jim had to have been absorbing his tension and anxiety, as close as they are. He strokes the backs of Jim's fingers with his thumb, might think he's imagining it, for a moment, but he sees Jim's lips move when he hears the whisper.

"I've missed this."

"Pretty sure we never made a habit of holding hands."

That earns him a glare, half-hearted and amused. "The crew thinks we made a habit of doing much worse than that."

"Oh God, I thought that was just me being paranoid."

"No, they think we at least fucked, maybe dated, are possibly still doing it now."

Leonard swallows. He lets his gaze drop to where their fingers are linked, hates himself with everything he has for taking the risk, for being unable to stop thinking about it ever since he realised just how easily and how suddenly he could lose Jim. "Why didn't we?"

Jim stares at him, wide-eyed, stunned and fearful. Leonard doesn't know which aspect of it has terrified him. Maybe all of them. It's sort of too late for it to matter.

"Are we really doing this now?"

Leonard couldn't hold back his smile if he tried. "Is there a better time you had in mind?"

"I- kind of thought we'd mutually and silently agreed not to ever actually talk about it."

It's strange, Leonard knows, that those words could give him so much hope. "It is mutual, then?"

Jim's eyes are huge and dark, with so little light to see by. He looks as terrified as Leonard feels, examines him for something Leonard has no idea if he finds. Then he gives the tiniest nod.

Leonard thinks his heard might explode with ridiculous love, and the brief frustration at how many years they could have had together is quickly washed away. They weren't ready, then. Maybe they still aren't.

Jim feels the same, about all of it. "We never wanted the same things."

"I want you. Any way, anything that you'll give me."

"That's no way to live, Bones."

"Jim." Leonard adores his best friend, he really does, but he can be so fucking dense sometimes. "I'm happy with you. Happy with this. If this, here, right now, is all you can give me, I will be happy."

"I'll fuck it up."

"Thought you didn't believe in no-win scenarios."

That makes Jim hiss and wrinkle his nose. "Knew that'd come back to haunt me one day."

"How about-" Leonard begins, bringing the hand Jim has linked with his to his chest and watching Jim's brow crease helplessly as he feels the warmth of his skin, the pounding of his heart. He's never been the braver of the two of them but he will always step up when Jim's struggling. "You let me kiss you. And then you can tell me if you liked it and we can go from there."

"I feel kind of bad, this nice lady let us stay and gave us these nice clean sheets-"

"Just a kiss, Jim." Leonard is already moving closer, would never go ahead without Jim's agreement but can see his resistance crumbling and he knows, damnit, that this is what they both want. He's not letting them deny themselves any more, not now that he knows-

"Bones, no-"

The words make him flinch, but he won't push, damnit, won't be one of those people who doesn't care about what Jim wants.

Except Jim has more to say. "It can't just be one kiss. I can't- if I have you like that, if we cross that line, there's no going back for me. I won’t be able to forget- or let you go."

It's Leonard's turn to stare. Jim won't meet his eyes, his gaze flitting about everywhere, never settling, the closest he can come to running. He's risking so much just by saying it, that rejection that could break him. God, they've both had all of this so wrong. He smiles. "Okay."

"I- okay? That's it? I ask for forever, and all you have to say is okay."

Leonard shifts a little closer, reaches out to brush a thumb along the line of Jim's cheekbone. He feels the feather-soft brush of eyelashes as Jim blinks, slowly. Those same lashes are a little damp. "I gave you my forever a long time ago."

So it's Jim who closes the distance between them, Leonard who whimpers at the feel of him, his lips soft and warm and so much more than Leonard could ever have imagined. It's Jim who draws him into his arms and holds him close. Jim is pliant and unresisting when Leonard cradles his face, guiding him to the perfect angle to slant their mouths together and delve deeper, coaxing Jim's tongue to slide against his, to taste, finally.

Leonard doesn't want to pull away, still drowning in that irrational fear that this might be it, his only chance. So it has to be Jim who stops them, too, with that hand still on Leonard's chest, with his breath coming faster, his lips still shining, eyes half-lidded.

"I changed my mind, I don't care about the sheets." Jim breathes, and Leonard laughs, reaches out to drag Jim in close and set about muffling the telling sounds they both make.

**Author's Note:**

> If you’re so inclined you can [click here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19167757) for the alternative version where they don’t bother talking about their feelings and just have sex instead.


End file.
